The 1st 95 pages of Twilight: A Review.

And you thought the next post would be about art. :P Oh you sillies.

Warning: Lots of run-on sentences, Bold text, and parenthesis.
____

Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

...

Ugh.

When I first heard about this book, and it's sequels, it was through my little sister. She wanted me to read them, but as I was busy with school finals the copy she lent me ending up being buried under my homework (literally and figuratively). Then I went on to read other things and forgot about it. Until I joined a Facebook application called "Flair".



In case you don't know what Flair is, I will explain. It's basically a cork board for your Facebook profile page, where you add pins with witty phrases or lolcats to it. Or whatever else you desire. You can even make your own "Flair" and submit it so other people can add it to their boards. I found Flair to be pretty enjoyable until the shear number of inane Twilight flair on EVERY page nearly drove me insane.

Because the people who post Twilight Flair are not the most intelligent of the human species they mostly revolved around the apparent gorgeousness of the book's male characters. Because of the obsession of apparently every preteen girl in existence who had access to Facebook I am sad to say I started to judge the book by it's fans. This happened to me with Harry Potter as well, which I eventually got over and read, and while I don't find to it to be the best children's/young adult series, it is enjoyable. But I digress.

Because I knew nothing of the book's characters besides what was spewed on the digital pins I began to form my own idea of what the characters must be like. Edward Cullen's fans made Flair that mostly revolved around his looks and politeness, that he owns a Volvo (Mmkay), prefers brunettes and pwns Jacob Black (whoever that may be). Also, he sparkles. So the obvious conclusion I came to was the Ed must be a very handsome gay vampire. Seriously. The only males I know that have ever sparkled were/are gay. I dare you to find a straight male that sparkles.

For Bella the only conclusions I could come to were that she was clumsy, a Virgo (like myself), and she had a penchant for punching werewolves in the face. All well and good I guess. For Jacob Black all I could imagine was that he must be some sort of wimpy asshole, since nearly EVERYONE seemed to hate him, except a few very lonely pro-Black Flair pin makers. "Wimpy" because evidently a gay sparkly guy seemed to be able to own him, over and over. Or maybe the two were in a S&M type relationship.

The only other character I saw I pin for was Alice Cullen, and the pin said "Alice Cullen is my best friend". So I guess that makes her an all around friendly good type of person, at least to the creator of the pin.

But now I must re-advise my views of some of these characters, based on what I have read so far. Why am I reading the book that the fans of made me hate, you may ask. Well dear reader I entered an agreement with one of my friends to read them, if she read Garth Nix's Abhorsen Trilogy (my favorite Fantasy books). In order to spread the awesome-ness of Nix, I will read as much swill as is necessary (plus, I ran out of new books to read, had already re-read Sabriel, and Twilight was just sitting around glowering at me)

I have only read up to 95 pages of Twilight and thus can only change my views on several characters. I do realize that if the book has any character growth at all (doubtful) my judgments so far are not quite fair, but don't worry, I will re-advise my opinion later if it becomes necessary. Onward!

Edward Cullen: I find him really, really annoying. If I met this person in real life I would probably end up smacking him. (Or at least avoiding him as much as possible, since smacking a vampire is not the best idea. Especially one that runs around in the daylight and has legions of fangirls to do his dirty work). His smugness bothers the hell out of me, and his obvious enjoyment of Bella's obsession with him makes me wish the romantic lead was one of the dim witted non-mythical species of males that populate Forks' high school. I don't care if you're the reincarnation of Adonis, being handsome is no excuse for being an ass. I prefer my original take on him.

Bella Swan: is basically a Mary-Sue. If you are unfamiliar to the term then you haven't read enough fan fiction (I used to write fan fiction. Shuddup). A Mary-Sue is an original character that some geeky writer makes up to inhabit the world of his or her obsession (be it Lord of the Rings or X-Men: Evolution). A Mary Sue is usually a wonderfully intelligent (or at least what the writer perceives as intelligent), beautiful girl with a couple odd quirks/features. And most importantly: Every male in the story falls in love with her.

This is Bella. Her odd quirks are that she is weirdly pale (even growing up under insane sunlight for most of her life has done nothing to darken her skin) and seems to not quite fit in with her peers. Also, she is adorably clumsy. But she is obviously beautiful because as of page 95 FOUR males have shown interest in her, and three have asked her to the school dance. Yes, I am counting. Considering the four males are the only males that have been introduced to the reader and talked to Bella, that's a lot of males considering this isn't a fan fiction, and is a book you're supposed to consider seriously. Well, as serious as you can take any book about hot teenage vampires. But as Mary-Sue's go, Bella isn't really a pain to read about.

Jacob Black: Haven't encountered him yet. So I must continue considering him a wimpy asshole until he is proven otherwise.

Alice Cullen: So far all I have read of her is that she is tiny with black spiky hair, and she looked on disapprovingly as Ed saved Bella from being crushed by a mini van. Well. Doesn't seem to0 friendly, but you never know. Maybe she just doesn't like Mary-Sues.

All the other characters at this point have only been named and not met by Bella OR are not vampires or werewolves or are not the main female character and so do not matter at all.

Alright, now that we have the characters established thus far, I can move on to the book overall. It pretty much reads like it was written for 16 year old girls (and younger) by a verbose 16 year old girl, who has a slightly above the average teenage intelligence.

Well there you have it, my opinion of Twilight thus far. I may continue my review if I am annoyed enough. See ya.